I don't drink but as someone who does calligraphy as a hobby, I can attest to the calming effect that the smell of inks and paper, the sound of a nib scratching, the slightly embossed letters on paper after writing etc. have on ones state of mind. It's very relaxing and the outputs are very rewarding. Doubly so if you're in tech. This is almost the complete opposite.

Any advice for someone with a family member who is willing to go to rehab but continues to relapse over and over? He is an exceptionally smart guy, but he’s lost his fitness, job, hobbies, relationships and purpose.

The trick is not to try to quit substance use, but to build a life for oneself that's more satisfying without the substance. I started by building a woodworking workshop for myself and playing with shellac, wax, oil, and pigments for surface design. Then me and my drunk friends started making paper mache lampshades from egg cartons while we drank. That was important as it linked the old fun to the new fun so there was no opposition or tension. From there it was a matter of building momentum for the art play and allowing myself to meditate on the downsides of my beer drinking. Once I felt ready, I shut myself away for two months reading about sleeping most of the day, focusing on eating better, programming, playing video games, and sewing dog collars. The manual activities were important to put me in my body rather than anxious mind and my dog collars were so fabulous they all got stolen off the dogs. Then I examined sources of stress in my life, like my relationship with my parents, and I worked on those. Each stressor I dealt with gave me more freedom of movement and more confidence that I did indeed have the necessary agency.

Guilt is the number one killer of attempts to get sober. We addicts feel absolutely terrible about the effects of our behavior on other people. So we end up hating ourselves so much we often remove ourselves from the flow of life. From the outside the guilt manifests as anger, flailing, and destructive behavior. Christianity has good technologies for overcoming guilt. The whole "Jesus loves you more when you are at your worst, so give it over to Him" thing is very useful in these situations. I'm an atheist but see gods as deep aspects of the human mind that evolved for reasons, so seeing ritual and prayer as psych self-treatment is not an issue for me.

Relapses must be seen as part of the process, not opportunities to beat yourself up. In fact, willpower and discipline have absolutely no role in overcoming addiction. The opposite of addiction isn't sobriety, it's connection, thus addiction recovery is about reconnecting to life and people, not quitting substances. That's just a nice bonus.

I can still drink on occasion, maybe twice a year. It was important to me not to be one of those people who make alcohol an enemy. It's just a jealous God who needs to be bound so they know their place. All the best to your friend.

Does the family member want to quit using? If not, the only advice is to wait. If they do want to quit, my experience finds that 12 step programs work. I have another family member who started his abstinence through 12 step groups and now used church, family, community to stay clean. I would be glad to talk if you like.