I have a question for people here. I absolutely value the time with my daughter and I actually enjoy working for home, I had been for the last couple of years, but it's becoming increasingly unbearable to do that with a nagging and micromanaging partner by my side who's life is COMPLETELY unstructured.
So I find myself longing for office time, not because I like office time, but rather because I feel like it might bring back some sanity to the relationship.
Am I the only one in that situation? What do you do? It's not like I can structure another individual, it would only work if they themselves recognize that they need structure, which they don't.
> Am I the only one in that situation? What do you do?
What I did (decades ago) was realize that when I was working from home, I needed to treat it the same as working in an office. What that meant was: I need a room that is exclusively "the office". When I'm in there, I'm working. When I'm not working, I'm not in there. And everyone else in the household has to adhere to one rule -- if my office door is closed, they cannot disturb me for any reason other than an actual emergency, just like if I were in an office outside of out home.
Aye, just gotta rip off the bandaid and make sure you're firm with the rules. My eldest boy has terrible separation anxiety and acted as though I had died for the first week or so, but adjustments were made and it's been relatively smooth sailing since.
I did acquiesce and allow interruptions when the door is open, for times I'm checking email or other administrative tasks. That same son has high-functioning autism so I do find myself bringing him in to calm him down on occasion.
I've found my wife is the one who refuses to follow these guidelines most often, lol.
I should try the soundproofing. 10 years in and the kids still don't leave me alone, and the rebukes were taking a real toll on the relationship. I work part time in a coworking space which has helped a bit, but it's a real struggle.
Yeah that would be great! Is there much you can do without covering all the walls with foam? Even that might be a possibility, although I don't know if my wife would permit it
My rule is if the door is open or not. If it's open, come on in. If it isn't, only emergencies please!
We have 3 kids (5, 5, 8) and they can actually manage themselves for hours at a time. And I don't mean youtube, TV, or tablets. Just regular playing. My wife works part time so in the summer they don't have constant supervision in the morning.
This is where having more kids can be easier. 1 kid can be lonely, or be unable to get help if they hurt themselves. 2 can be a problem if a fight breaks out. With 3 you have someone who can come get you if there's a problem.
It's really frustrating that the discussion is often "just shut yourself in your home office", as if an extra room doesn't rent out for $1000/month in many cities.
I went a step further and installed a keypad lock on my office door. I mean, I’ll admit that there are simpler ways to keep the kids out, but it looks cool…
I did put a keyed locking door knob on in a previous house but for some reason haven't done it to the new house/office.
Did you have a hard time finding one that would fit an interior door? I had to hunt for awhile to find a keyed lock that would fit since they're all designed for exterior doors.
Checked my order history, the one I got was a “SCHLAGE FE575 PLY 626 ELA Plymouth Keypad Entry”. I don’t remember having any trouble installing this on an interior door (and I’m not very “handy” at all). That said, I don’t know much about doors, so can’t say for sure if it works everywhere. Maybe some interior doors are thinner or something.
Definitely sympathize, you are not alone. I have a wife and two young kids. I love her but for a long time my wife just did not consider me as "at work" when I was working remotely. She had zero qualms about coming into our home office to chat or see if I could change a diaper or whatever. I'm happy to help out if I'm between tasks (hell that's one of the perks of WFH, and everyone takes breaks wherever you're working. I'm taking one to write this post!) but it was all day every day and driving me up the wall. Plus toddlers don't care about work hours, if they want to see daddy they're going to come see daddy. We had plenty of conversations about how disruptive it is to have someone tap you on the shoulder while coding to ask if you can run to the grocery store for milk. But it never went anywhere. To her, if I was physically in the house, I was available to do stuff at any time.
To be honest we never "solved" it. Eventually the younger reached kindergarten age and my wife returned to full time work. I wish I had better advice. The suggestion to have a dedicated office space with a door is a good one, but if your partner does not respect boundaries that won't be enough. If finances allow, you could look at leasing a part time desk in a coworking space or even a dedicated office. I know it feels silly to pay for office space when you can do the job from home, but if it's damaging your relationship, it may be worthwhile. Some employers might even offer a stipend for remote workers to help offset costs. The fact that you refer to your partner as a nagging micromanager tells me something has to change.
I hope this post doesn't make me sound like a dick. I have immense respect for my wife for choosing to pause her career to care for our children. Raising kids is HARD, harder than the work I get paid for to be honest. We're partners in life and parenthood. But my role in the partnership at that time was to hold down a job and that's a lot harder to do when you're being interrupted 10 times a day. Hope you are able to work something out.
Not possible in places with bad zoning or condos, but I converted a shed into a really nice office. It has a fence and a couple other features that create friction to get to it (even though only a few feet from the house). Helps a lot without being overtly distancing to the relationship.
My kids and wife know there is a rule during work hours:
When my office door is closed, I am not home (except for emergency, say broken limb or something). It takes some training, but they become accustomed to it.
You need to stress to your partner the importance of focus during work. This took an exceptional amount of effort for us because my wife is bipolar and when things are bad, her contributions become a trickle. Summer is always a trying time, because all the kids are home and she gets overwhelmed easily. Thankfully my employer is incredibly accommodating, so if I need to step away and resolve anything at home, they have faith that I'll see to my obligations.
There's certainly value in having a dedicated work area if possible. Your brain really likes having demarcation lines between work and home, so emulating that can help immensely.
It is important to note that WFH is NOT a silver bullet. It is not a solution for every employer/employee. It works incredibly well in many technological scenarios because of remote access and whatnot, but there are limiting factors. Both in bureaucratic requirements, "culture" fits, and domestic situations. What works for me in the Great Plains due to cheap(er) housing may not work in metro areas where some families are living in small apartments.
Don't feel obligated to make WFH succeed in your situation if you don't want to simply because its en vogue. I have dear friends that tried WFH and _hated_ it. Another option is co-working space or otherwise getting out of the house to focus on work. I find myself going to a local hiking trail area during spring/autumn to work outdoors, and it is refreshing.
Also, what’s your workspace? It helps if you work in a separate room with a door. Working in a central open spot like the kitchen table invites more interruption. Of course this is hard to do if you’re in a small apartment.
Some people who we love deeply, just cannot do this. If we're physically there, a reason to interrupt will always be found. IMHO it's not worth damaging the relationship.
I don’t want to read too deeply into your comments, but it may be worth exploring why expressing this need feels like it would damage your relationship. It could be that you both need to adjust your communication patterns to better express yourselves and hear each other.
Tough one. Sounds like you need to communicate your needs to each other better, and agree some mutual boundaries.
While returning to the office as an escape may alleviate some symptoms, I would still recommend that you work on your relationship.
Edit: your partner may also have needs too, this isn't just about you getting what you want. It's about communicating better and respecting each others needs.
I'm in a similiar boat, and I finally got a co-working space. Do it for your mental and relatinship health. If we want to be incredibly over-reductionist, $300 per month is a lot cheaper than a divorce :-D
So I find myself longing for office time, not because I like office time, but rather because I feel like it might bring back some sanity to the relationship.
Am I the only one in that situation? What do you do? It's not like I can structure another individual, it would only work if they themselves recognize that they need structure, which they don't.