> For it to be gluten free it'd have to be... IDK, corn or rice-flour or something, with some chemical mumbo-jumbo performed to make it hold together well enough to make a pizza.

That's about right. You can make gluten-free pizza crust, but I'd only recommend it if you're actually feeding someone diagnosed with Celiac disease. GF baked goods use xanthan gum, guar gum, and eggs to stick the dough together as gluten would do.

I like the Bob's Red Mill crust mix [1]. The ingredients on the side read: brown rice flour, potato starch, whole grain millet flour, tapioca flour, potato flour, cane sugar, xanthan gum, sea salt, guar gum. You add 2 eggs (as well as water, an included yeast packet, and olive oil).

I don't do the Neapolitan style featured in the article, and I don't think this mix is suitable for that. (Doesn't the dough for that need to be almost runny? This stuff is thick when prepared according to the directions.) I sometimes cook it on the grill with a pizza stone, but I make a midwestern style with a chewier crust, a solid layer of shredded mozzarella, and enough toppings to shock the conscience of any Neapolitan pizza aficionado.

[1] https://www.bobsredmill.com/gluten-free-pizza-crust-mix.html

Right - pizza dough really, really wants the stretchiness that gluten gives you. I have occasionally made gluten-free "pizza" because my wife has coeliac disease, but it's a poor imitation, and lack of gluten is the big problem. It tends to end up either crumbly or (if you marginally overdo the xanthan gum or equivalent) too hard. And there's no way you can stretch it properly, you just have to roll out a (small) base.

For many other kinds of baking, we're pretty successful with gluten-free versions - we'll happily serve our gluten-free bread to guests with no shame, provided it's really fresh - but pizza really doesn't work very well.