> there's a huge spectrum of communication options between "I agree" and "Let's fight about this."

How do you do this in practice? If your partner wants to to something that you disagree with already, and both of you are sub-born, how do you resolve conflicts without someone stepping down and becoming unhappy?

It's difficult and very much intuition.

The first question I'd ask is why the one stepping down is unhappy? They're compromising and giving a gift to their partner, which their partner should recognize, thank them for, and respect. See (B).

I can only offer the following as things that have worked for me:

A) (MOST IMPORTANT) Recognize (and lead your partner to recognize) that the purpose of disagreement is resolution. Too many people get trapped in a cycle of argue - failure to resolve - argue. If resolutions aren't getting reached, then you and your partner need to talk about how you argue.

B) (second most important) Recognize that no one wins an argument. The purpose isn't to win. The purpose is to reach acceptable consensus. Agreeing on this weeds out a lot of toxic behaviors (like bringing up old arguments), because those actions don't make sense if no one wins.

C) Get better at initiating disagreements. Is this the right time and place to disagree (hint: usually "now" and "here" is, as putting things off is generally a bad idea)? Do you catch your partner off guard, or do you telegraph you're going to disagree about something (hints followed shortly by action is a good playbook)?

D) Get better at providing care after a disagreement. Do you revisit the solution reached, and reassure your partner that you feel good with the solution arrived at? Do you make sure to remind them you care about them, especially if it was an intense argument?

E) Realize that some people were raised with extremely maladaptive and toxic argument patterns by watching their parents. And changing these takes time and effort by both people. Arguments are like coding: there are a huge number of ways to do it, so choose one of the better ones than one of the worse ones!

Thank you for the thoughtful response, it’s very helpful.

Actually I think I am the one who was raised with extremely maladaptive and toxic argument patterns by watching my parents, and I’m struggling to change because I didn’t have the chance to see and learn other healthy patterns, because, well, disagreements usually happen in private.

Thanks for taking the time to write about this and articulating what I’m living through too. Looking forward to the replies and the books recommended here.

I’ve read those, but unfortunately it didn’t change much my current relationship, same struggles as the op.