I am going to try to tackle this from the positive side, but there's a lot that could be said, and I'm not sure I will be successful.
There's no doubt that inherent physical attractiveness, extroversion, confidence and charisma, winning the genetic lottery, creates huge advantages. I've seen it in action, seen it open doors that will never open for an asymmetric, scrawny, socially erratic, introvert nerd with a high-pitched voice like myself. Seen how it affords choices and outcomes I will never have, no matter what I do.
Like so much of life, it is patently unjust and painful.
But it turns out there are enough other doors to open and ways of opening them, that me and all my similarly hopeless friends, got laid, got long-term partners and went on to experience the same relationship joys and failure modes as the beautiful people.
I wish I could warn my young self I'd be the comic relief in the mainstream mating game, but that it's OK, that I should try it, study it, realize and grieve my inadequacy, just get over it, get comfortable with who I am and what's achievable for me, and then go and play a slower, deeper game in a smaller, more congenial league.
What works? Sure, do the self-improvement stuff. Get fit, get a purpose. Find and live by your values. Practice fearlessness and not giving a crap what others think and leverage that into charisma (which is really hard but doable and I'm still working on it).
Find your tribe or social ecosystem and learn to love it (I had contempt for nerds that I had to get past. It was internalized shame at being mainstream-inadequate and it held me back for decades.) Explore adjacent social ecosystems. Get out there. Engage. Do not care about winning any specific outcome.
Have faith that it gets better, almost certainly, in most cases.
Most important, and in accordance with your values and self-respect, work hard to make ongoing net-positive social contributions (all kinds will work, interpersonal, social, material, intellectual, ethical, time, effort) with no strings attached. Use your strengths and interests.
I know this works. I am a weird intense socially-incompetent pedantic misanthrope, but I make the effort to spare my friends the downsides and I deliberately contribute positives. For example, I lead with my values in word and deed. They aren't a matter of consensus and I am contrary to my friends often enough. My super power is that I am entirely comfortable around opposing values. I will not conform to other people's and I don't care, on a personal level, if they adopt mine. Oddly, that combination results in a lot of approval and status. (I didn't plan this, it's a byproduct of my misanthropy, I figured it out after the fact, and realized I was on to a good thing.)
Sometimes at gatherings I can tell that I've just gone off the range, and I can see the look of friendly acceptance. “He's a freak, but he's our freak.” That group judgement of me reflects well and raises my social status considerably. I know my wife is proud of the social respect I've earned, even if the means are a mystery to her. It means nothing at all to some of the ladies, but it does to her.
This is just one example of how a skinny inconsequential nerd can project dominance without cash outlays, big muscles or a strong jawline. And there are so many other ways to be a social contributor or leader. Which equals reproductive fitness!
You, and every other “ugly person” out there has strengths. Find them. Develop them. Use them. Get over the fact that you can't succeed in mainstream competition. Just let it go. Look around, explore, and play in arenas you can win.
Remember (paraphrased) “behind every high-status female is a high-status male who is sick of her shit.” There's no particular advantage in winning one, and there are likely serious downsides. (And before y'all get mad at me the reverse is obviously true too. Married with kids, you know. And I can't speak to the generalization across gender permutations.)
I'm aware that online dating is a problem, and maybe there's a big problem in unrealistic expectations. Going to absolutely support the advice that you get your head out of that world. Play in the real world like it's 1970, 1980, 1990, whatever works for you. I have direct knowledge there are women doing the same. Society will figure it out in the long term and you will be ahead of the curve.
This is all good advice. Confidence isn't only "Gigachad" energy. Just being comfortable with yourself and accepting whatever you are displays confidence. Constantly looking down at yourself and whatever problems you have is not in any way productive. No one will ever be attracted to a guy prattling on about facial features ratios or other Incel cult bullshit. Not even attracted, no one wants to listen to that because it's just cult programming promulgated by people using your feelings of inadequacy to sell you or sell you something.
Very few people look like Sloth from Goonies, someone you can easily describe as a goblin in terms of looks. Being overweight, scrawny, or having some unflattering features does not make anyone a goblin by any sane definition.
The Incel cult bullshit reduces human being down to genetic robots that can't think or choose for themselves. It also requires you to ignore the world around you where ugly/fat/whatever people all over are in loving relationships. No one is automatically behaving because genes favor something. Normal actual humans have free will and make their own choices.
Many plants have evolved the production of capsicum because mammals have a sensitivity to the chemical. In the wild mammals will avoid capsicum bearing plants. As a mammal capsicum causes me pain. Despite my genetic programming I love many spicy foods and willingly prepare and eat them regularly. The Incel cult bullshit would have you believe because I have a genetic predisposition towards avoiding discomfort and a susceptibility to the pain causing effects of capsicum I would never eat so much as a bell pepper ever.
Everyone has physical imperfections. Every attractive person you ever see takes a shit eventually. They get acne. They have body odor. They get ingrown toenails and sweat. Some attractive people have awful personalities or are just personally insufferable. Some are dumb as a bag of hammers. Others are psychotic or just assholes to the core. Many good looking people only look so good at certain ages and change significantly over time. Physically good looks are far far from the only measure of the quality of a person or their overall personal attractiveness.
There are vanishing few genius super model warrior poets in the world. There is zero utility in looking down on yourself for not being one of them. It's also ridiculous to assume everyone else in the world is holding out for those super rare specimens. It's also problematic when your primary concern for a romantic partner is physical attractiveness. There's way more important things than physical attractiveness when it comes to romantic relationships.
Small caps is a typographic technique to balance the appearance of strings of capitals in predominantly lowercase running text. The Economist is applying their style guide. I checked. It's not a subtle dis.
ADHD is real, it deeply damages people's lives and it is usually treatable with stimulants, with an unusual degree of effectiveness. My psychiatrist told me up front that his diagnostic process was not directed towards ADHD and that he might end up with some other diagnosis or none at all. In the end he diagnosed me with ADHD after a process of interviews, tests, evaluation of historical evidence, and submissions by my family regarding my life and behaviour. I have a fat file of the documentation involved.
You are talking about greedy irresponsible doctors and bad faith "patients".
Stimulant's are effective at improving mood and productivity. There is no question there. I'm highly skeptical of a "disease" or "disorder". Having worked in investment banks where the majority of people were on adhd meds, college where most students were on adhd meds, and seeing all these mid-life diagnoses - is troubling, esp. when prescribing these drugs to children. Its becoming normalized, and even celebrated. Sitting in a classroom for hours everyday, glued to your seat, demanded to shut up and pay attention, is not an ideal environment for kids. If you deviate from that, you could be a candidate for adhd. Once you start these drugs, its difficult to stop and you develop a dependence. I took them for years in my youth and deeply regret it, because it was simply a bandage for addressing areas of self improvement that I ignored. I wish I had someone around back then to play devils advocate.
My revelation came when I observed my oldest child in kindergarten (which was nothing like being glued to a seat). My child was the large and obvious behavioural outlier. Then the unbelievable process in grade 3 of coaching their attention to and completion of simple homework, with much emotional distress and sobbing and feelings of inadequacy. Same with participation in sports. There is no such thing as “an ideal environment” where my kids would function in some kind of parity with their peers.
You have no clue because you have no pertinent experience.
You have to look out for your own kid and do what's best, not my place to speak, but I think we can agree on different approaches to these problems. Not all have to be involved with diagnosis or medicine.
I shared these articles in another comment, but this is what I fear is taking over the 'mental health' diagnosis situation atm:
I will agree that you are conflating and grossly oversimplifying a number of related but different issues. As a result your conclusions are just not valid.
Does the educational system make age-inappropriate almost inhumane demands on children? Yes. Do many kids have attentional and behavioural issues that are not ADHD? Yes. That can be improved without medication? Yes. Should these be distinguished from true AHDH and treated differently? Yes. Should kids with ADHD try non-medical interventions first? Yes. Should kids who have clear diagnostic markers for ADHD and who respond well to stimulants be prescribed stimulants? Hell yes. Should psychiatrists try to weed out non-ADHD people looking for legal sources of speed? Hell yes. Are the fields of psychopathology and psychotherapy problematic? Somewhat. Are they "right"? Not exactly, no. Are they "wrong"? Not exactly, no. Do they relieve suffering? Sometimes, Do they create unintended consequences? Yes, more often than we'd like. Is the whole field conducted in bad faith? No! Is it a work in progress? Yes. Are there bad faith practitioners? Yes. Are there incompetent practitioners? Yes. Are there competent practitioners acting in good faith? Absolutely yes. Are there reliable signals to tell these apart? No, unfortunately, no. Is there an epidemic of performance-enhancing prescription drug abuse in the circles in which you run? Apparently so, and I've heard this elsewhere. Is there performance-enhancing prescription drug abuse in the circles in which I run? Not to my knowledge.
Life is complicated. You do no good by mashing all this stuff together and disposing of it with simplistic conclusions.
> I'm highly skeptical of a "disease" or "disorder".
Well, it’s you versus the entire medical community. Who do you think is more likely yo be right?
Your bad experience is unfortunate but does not reflect that of most people with ADHD. It’s the only disorder which responds incredibly well to treatment by stimulants, and you’ll find that fact proven out by medical science.
Psychology/psychiatry has a dark past and seems to change its mind on things very often (often because of political correctness). Borderline a pseudoscience.
Until there's a blood test or concrete psychological proof, its just simply not a disease. These articles were great reads on this phenomenon of self diagnosis:
My claims are from a position of experience - myself, seeing friends/family all diagnosed with disorders out of nowhere, seemingly around the same time. Seeing colleagues and peers suddenly "neurodivergent". Looking for temporary solutions to permanent problems in the form of a pill. Using these substances to lose weight, get ahead at work, study, clean their homes, become more social/personable, etc. I digress, adults can calculate the risks for themselves.
If you take a peek at those articles, you'll notice that there's a big trend in people (usually young adults/teens) self diagnosing on the internet, whether its joining a forum/reddit/discord, then going to a doctor, saying, "I HAVE X" and more often than not, they get what they want. This takes away a good chunk of credibility of the 'medical community'. You can even get "diagnosed" via telehealth services now. No need to go into an office! How many people are they turning away? Hmm.
Everyone is different, and it's unfortunate that your friend's experience is not good, and that you don't know anyone with a healthy relationship with their medication.
The truth is that lots of people manage their stimulants just fine. Across everyone I know on stimulants, 8 friends and family, none are as you describe. These are people I physically see on a regular basis. No one is addicted, high, unable to function or experiencing material personality changes. Every single one of them is taking low to moderate doses, as needed, and says their stimulants changed their life for the better, allowing them to function "normally" at work or school.
After first diagnosis, under the care of a psychiatrist, I went though a typical escalation over a couple years to reach 80 mg Vyvanse + 15 mg of Dexedrine per day. 50 + 10 at ~5AM and 30 + 5 at ~noon. That's about 40 mg of dextroamphetamine per day. I enjoyed the euphoria but never experienced dependence except in the sense that I became attached to functioning like my neurotypical colleagues. My psychiatrist's professional opinion was that some people required fairly high doses and the therapeutic benefit at those doses would stabilize long-term. I will note that he was reasonably diligent in ongoing blood tests and monitoring my health, etc.
A combination of factors made me decide to stop taking Vyvanse: a probably unrelated health issue, 40 mg of dextroamphetamine per day gave me unpleasant physical side effects, and my realization that 5 years of medication had profoundly hanged my habits and self-concept. I decided to see if I could go off meds and sustain the benefits. So I tapered off (no dependence!) and for 6 years I relied on habits, strategies, exercise, nutrition, healthy sleep and meditation.
But I am now taking Vyvanse again and there is no doubt in my mind now that no amount healthy living can do what Vyvanse does.
My current dosing: on a day to day basis, I take 0, 15, 30 or 45 mg of Vyvanse depending on what I need to get done, my energy level, and my habituation. I drink coffee with it because I find that caffeine helps me keep the Vyvanse dose lower. I organize my life to maximize the value of my medicated time. I experience a clear step function in executive functioning between "slightly too little" and "enough" Vyvanse and I can feel the gears shift in my head, takes about 5 seconds, as the drug concentration in my body crosses the threshold. I move the dose up and down in 15 mg steps and when reducing my dose I spend 2-3 days at each level to avoid crashing. I take Vyvanse holidays two to six weeks long, two or three times a year to reset my habituation and fix any sleep deficit. After a holiday I get the full therapeutic effect from 15 mg. My goal is to generate enough high-quality executive function hours to fulfil my responsibilities, but keep my dose as low as possible. It seems to be working so far.
You are right that ADHD is a true neurological disorder that responds well to medication, but on everything else your are horrifyingly wrong. Medication alone is not a panacea for many people with ADHD and is most effective when coupled with better self understanding, self acceptance, and adoption of an ADHD-optimized lifestyle.
I have ADHD, my kids have ADHD, and most of my friends have ADHD. Was on Vyvanse for 5 years, then off for 6, and I just recently started taking it again.
During my first 5 years on Vyvance, I had my first experience of what was truly possible for me and it changed my life.
Then, triggered by unrelated health issues and unhappiness with side effects, but mainly because I wanted to run the experiment of seeing how far I could get without meds, I stopped for 6 years. I focussed on lifestyle, structure, health, exercise, nutrition, meditation, And it was pretty good, much better than before my diagnosis.
Then as my life moved forward it presented me with increasing responsibility and challenge, and this year I decided to go back on meds. Of course it was immediately obvious that meds improve my ability to focus and my general self-regulation to a level not possible through healthy lifestyle and earnest intentions. But… now I am getting a multiplier effect of an ADHD-optimized lifestyle working together with my medication, and its amazing. I'm taking a lower dose than before, but sustaining a better level of productivity and mental health.
I have seen in myself and others where meds on their own have failed because their benefits were squandered by a careless lifestyle. Now I get to see how this plays out with my kids, And guess what? Meds are essential, but they aren't enough. The hard part is changing their attitudes, habits and lifestyle.
A mix of (or at least experimenting with) meds, skills, routines, potentially therapy... all good starting points but the key is to figure out what works for you. And we'll take all the help we can get! Each neurodiverse person is different and will likely respond to a different mix of solutions.
I think being "honest and ethical" is at its heart a useful strategy for organizing the collective work of individuals. It's part of the ethos required for building high-trust groups.
Individuals within a group want to understand the terms under which a group operates, and in particular, how to extract their share of value from the group and how to maintain or enhance their extractable share of value.
The more the rules of a group are perceived to be fair, reciprocal and consistently applied, the more members can trust the group and each other. This relieves the participants of significant cognitive and emotional burden, allows longer-term collective action, and reduces transaction costs dramatically.
But I can intellectually understand the value of opportunistic defection strategies that "cheat" the group, extracting both an unfair share of value (as well as some of the "embodied trust value" resulting in an incremental loss of trust across the group).
I have a personal commitment to honest behavior and I actively avoid low-trust friends, groups and choices. Possibly because I find low-trust situations too stressful and too much work, as well as morally horrifying (whatever that means!) I'd like to believe that I'm fundamentally a "good person" but I acknowledge that it might just be that I'm unwilling to leave the local maximum high-trust situation I've self-selected for throughout my life, or I'm afraid of the risks of defector strategies (or I'm just cognitively and emotionally unsuited to them).
Here's where it gets complicated, because organizations change, trust levels change, the signifiers of trustability change, organizations lie, sometimes organizations are specifically operated to trap and exploit high-honor people, and people have very different ideas about what constitutes "fairness" or "exploitation". I find it hard to criticize someone who chooses to use low-trust tactics against a low-trust or deceptive group.
It seems, looking around different cultures and organizations in the world that there is a huge variation in the principles under which groups function. Apparently "low-trust" is a viable option, although I'm supportive of the idea that high-trust brings a competitive advantage both for groups and individuals, and is worth building and sustaining.
I'm horrified that we seem to have reached some kind of tipping point in the west where a critical mass of elites (who already extract enormous value!) have decided they can extract even more value through high-order defection than by building modern and durable foundations of trust.
It seems pretty clear to me that regarding the origin of the virus specifically, there has been bad-faith dismissal of the lab leak theory due to the politicization of GoF research.
There's no doubt that inherent physical attractiveness, extroversion, confidence and charisma, winning the genetic lottery, creates huge advantages. I've seen it in action, seen it open doors that will never open for an asymmetric, scrawny, socially erratic, introvert nerd with a high-pitched voice like myself. Seen how it affords choices and outcomes I will never have, no matter what I do.
Like so much of life, it is patently unjust and painful.
But it turns out there are enough other doors to open and ways of opening them, that me and all my similarly hopeless friends, got laid, got long-term partners and went on to experience the same relationship joys and failure modes as the beautiful people.
I wish I could warn my young self I'd be the comic relief in the mainstream mating game, but that it's OK, that I should try it, study it, realize and grieve my inadequacy, just get over it, get comfortable with who I am and what's achievable for me, and then go and play a slower, deeper game in a smaller, more congenial league.
What works? Sure, do the self-improvement stuff. Get fit, get a purpose. Find and live by your values. Practice fearlessness and not giving a crap what others think and leverage that into charisma (which is really hard but doable and I'm still working on it).
Find your tribe or social ecosystem and learn to love it (I had contempt for nerds that I had to get past. It was internalized shame at being mainstream-inadequate and it held me back for decades.) Explore adjacent social ecosystems. Get out there. Engage. Do not care about winning any specific outcome.
Have faith that it gets better, almost certainly, in most cases.
Most important, and in accordance with your values and self-respect, work hard to make ongoing net-positive social contributions (all kinds will work, interpersonal, social, material, intellectual, ethical, time, effort) with no strings attached. Use your strengths and interests.
I know this works. I am a weird intense socially-incompetent pedantic misanthrope, but I make the effort to spare my friends the downsides and I deliberately contribute positives. For example, I lead with my values in word and deed. They aren't a matter of consensus and I am contrary to my friends often enough. My super power is that I am entirely comfortable around opposing values. I will not conform to other people's and I don't care, on a personal level, if they adopt mine. Oddly, that combination results in a lot of approval and status. (I didn't plan this, it's a byproduct of my misanthropy, I figured it out after the fact, and realized I was on to a good thing.)
Sometimes at gatherings I can tell that I've just gone off the range, and I can see the look of friendly acceptance. “He's a freak, but he's our freak.” That group judgement of me reflects well and raises my social status considerably. I know my wife is proud of the social respect I've earned, even if the means are a mystery to her. It means nothing at all to some of the ladies, but it does to her.
This is just one example of how a skinny inconsequential nerd can project dominance without cash outlays, big muscles or a strong jawline. And there are so many other ways to be a social contributor or leader. Which equals reproductive fitness!
You, and every other “ugly person” out there has strengths. Find them. Develop them. Use them. Get over the fact that you can't succeed in mainstream competition. Just let it go. Look around, explore, and play in arenas you can win.
Remember (paraphrased) “behind every high-status female is a high-status male who is sick of her shit.” There's no particular advantage in winning one, and there are likely serious downsides. (And before y'all get mad at me the reverse is obviously true too. Married with kids, you know. And I can't speak to the generalization across gender permutations.)
I'm aware that online dating is a problem, and maybe there's a big problem in unrealistic expectations. Going to absolutely support the advice that you get your head out of that world. Play in the real world like it's 1970, 1980, 1990, whatever works for you. I have direct knowledge there are women doing the same. Society will figure it out in the long term and you will be ahead of the curve.