I understand completely and feel the same way about my own father.

My dad was also an episodic alcoholic. He'd go months without any issues, then disappear for three days on a binge. He'd drink such a massive amount of alcohol he'd have to go onto a IV drip.

My 16 year old self became so disgusted by him I refused to tell him I loved him and shunned him. We tried to give him the "tough love" we thought he needed so that he would "hit bottom" and then take some control back. It didn't work, and he ended up dying alone in a hotel room.

I now see that he needed more love and support instead of tough love and isolation. I wish I had been more patient, understanding, and supportive.

I started playing drums when I was 8 years old. A few months later, the movie "That Thing You Do" came out. It's about a drummer who joins a band and becomes a famous rock star. It had such a HUGE impact on me, from that moment until I was about 24 years old I KNEW my life's purpose. I was going to be a rock star. Nothing else was possible, and nothing else mattered.

This lead me down a path I now regret. All my friends were other musicians. All we wanted to do was smoke weed, play music, and party. Sure, I had lots of fun along the way, but once I got old enough to actually experience the life of a touring musician I had to accept that it wasn't for me. I wasn't happy with the life style. Turns out, I'm actually happier working hard and living a "normal" life.

Luckily, I was able to go to college and get a pretty good job, but I feel like I will never meet my true potential. I spent so many years taking the easy path that I now struggle with mediocrity. All because my 8-year-old brain made a decision that it had no business making.

If I could go back in time, I'd focus on going to college straight out of high school and developing myself as much as possible.